Life Lessons : How to identify and escape toxic relationships??

Young or old, everybody wants to love and be loved, and that is never going to change. This longing for love sometimes causes people to fall into wrong relationships. If you were lucky, you would have escaped that phase in your life. But not everyone is that lucky. The reason why it needs to be discussed and thought about is because, even though it might be just a passing phase, it can cause some long lasting effects on your mind. It can cause major psychological changes within you and you may not be aware of how it is affecting your present day life. So, here I am going to talk about :-

 1. How to identify a toxic relationship?
 2. How to escape from it?
 3. How to recover from it?

First things first. How do you know the relationship you are about to enter or already in is toxic for you?

Case 1: If you are in the starting phase of a new relationship.

This is the best time to observe and take the right decision. Just because you know.. prevention is better than cure. Most important question to address is, why do you like the other person? If your answer is, ''I don't know'', I would say you better know! Put some thought into it. There must be some qualities that you subconsciously or consciously like in the other person. Once you identify these qualities, casually think if they are the qualities you are looking for in a partner? If there are some grey areas, in the coming days, very tactfully you have to frame conversations where you can get the answer out of the other person. You don't have to necessarily play CBI here. It must come as part of a natural conversation so that you get the instinctive answer and not the well thought out and processed one. Sometimes we don't have ideal qualities, we just follow our heart. In that case, you have to look for signs that tell you to stay or run! Don't ignore the signs.

Case 2: If you are already in a relationship for quite sometime.

I think most of you would have figured whether the relationship is the best or not by now! Like I said previously, there would have been lot of signs which the Universe has sent for you. Don't ignore the signs. Some of the obvious signs are - clashes in the basic principles you believe in, frequent unhealthy arguments or ugly fights, one of you avoiding discussions on serious topics, having to hide some things because the other won't accept or make a big fuss out of it and so on. The hidden signs are - one of you is always manipulated by the other person, one of you is always making compromises to avoid arguments which are actually necessary, one is not interested in (not even listening to or giving active response) the things that the other likes to do, one is trying to push the other very tactfully to do or say things the other wants to do or hear and so on.

Now, let us try to answer another important question, with all the negative signs, why are we not able to run if that is the right thing to do? 

The victim of a toxic relationship is a very delicate, loving, empathetic person. The other person is just taking advantage of the same. Sometimes, even the other person may not be not doing this purposely. Anyway, ultimately one will feel trapped.

Now, I will explain how it becomes a vicious cycle that you can't get out. Suppose you are the victim. If you feel that the other person is hurting because of you, you will not leave first, even though you are hurting more. Suppose the other person already knows this weakness of yours, it is quite a natural outcome that knowingly or unknowingly, he or she will project that they are desperate and crying without you. In short you will be made to believe that you are causing pain despite the other person's heart-bleeding love for you and that you leaving is equivalent to you cheating.  Every time you begin to leave, this repeats. Trust me, this is all a big truck load of nonsense!! Eventually you start feeling that you are the bad one who doesn't know how to return love and always talking about leaving. You may question your sincerity and at one point, you may even worship the other person for tolerating you. Actually, the truth is.. you are the one tolerating! In some cases, it may happen that even if you throw tantrums, the other person won't react. Is it because he or she is more calm and matured than you? No! It is because the other person has taken you for granted and knows that you won't leave. And this is how you get stuck!

The fact is, the other person is immature and not suitable for relationship with you or anybody, at least until he or she grows up. Somebody incapable of leaving or letting the other leave for the good, is not suitable for loving either. Staying together is not what the motto of love is. Being happy with each other is.

From a different angle, toxic relationship happens when there is a lot of sweet talk and less of significant conversations. Even if you try to share something important, the response will be weak. Your dreams and aspirations, your likes and dislikes nothing matters to the other person. You are like alcohol. Too much of you they cannot handle. Just enough will keep them relaxed. So, they measure and pour you.

The next thing , how to escape a toxic relationship ?

Once you have identified that the relationship is not good for you then, things become rather easy. You need to stop being the victim and take charge! Easier said than done.

Case 1: You are a strong person who can handle things on your own. 

No worries in your case. Take all the necessary steps to cut all ties and move on. Don't turn back once you made that decision. Sometimes the other person may be having some psych problems. If you suspect that, you need to let concerned people be involved so that he or she can be helped properly.

Case 2: You are so naive and innocent, you just can't do it. 

You expect the other person to leave first. Till that day comes, you will suffer in silence. In that case, is better to give the baton to anybody close to you and completely willing to help you. It could be a parent, best friend, siblings, anyone you trust your emotions with. Give them clarity on exactly what is going on. For example, there are cases where the other threatens to suicide. It is important that you state every relevant thing to the person going to help you. If you are very young, it is better that an adult is asked for help. This is solely because the perception to a situation is dependent on the experience of the other person. You need maximum emotional support to stay strong. So, don't be hesitant to rely on people who care about you.


The last thing , how to recover from the effects of a toxic relationship once you escaped ?

Never underestimate the power of a relationship. You may think you are strong until you are shattered in love. Be it any relationship! The imprints of a broken relationship can last forever. For example, you may lose self-confidence, self-esteem, ability to trust, ability to be open and so on. The opposite is true with a beautiful healthy relationship. It can empower you and make you discover those wonderful things about you that you never knew. So, lovely relationships and toxic relationships are like two extremes. 

After you end a toxic relationship, spend time to re-discover yourself. Don't live in thoughts and memories. You plan on how to distract yourself from negative emotions. For some people, spending time with friends helps. For others, travelling helps. Sports, games and exercising helps one lot while dance, music, painting, reading etc helps another lot. Watching great movies also might help some. Depending on what kind of person you are, choose the best option and keep yourself busy for sometime. Think of your dreams and start visualizing them. If you are not the dreaming type then, enjoy every moment and live your life to the fullest.

Love is Happiness and Happiness is Freedom. 

True life hacks : Things to lookout while buying Curtains for Your Home Sweet Home!

Hi,

Previously, I was talking about different simple ways to decorate your rented living space  [https://boc2018.blogspot.com/2018/09/true-life-hacks-5-easy-ways-to-decorate.html].
In continuation with that, here I will mention how curtains can be chosen wisely. This is applicable to your home whether rented or yours.

As often as we see curtains in homes, they are mostly not enhancing the look of the rooms. I have observed that we have a tendency to buy something that is either cheap or something that looks good while we are shopping. Definitely not everybody is an interior decorator, but we can think like one. I tried and it works!! :D I am sharing my story here...

The Story of my Curtains

Like I mentioned in my previous blog, curtains are your floating walls. Putting a little bit of thought to it will give you better results. As everyone does, first I checked the number of windows in each room and their dimensions.

Living room 

There are 2 windows. One is a normal window with 4 splits and the other is of full length covering half a wall. It is not a french window through which I can walk out into the beautiful meadows.. because had it been so, I would be walking straight down to the ground floor, hit and die! :D Moreover, we have pigeons nesting everywhere, so its better we stay in and they stay out. :D :D

Bedrooms

There are 2 bedrooms with one window each. They are also 4 splits. By split I mean how many separate window glasses are there.

So..yes.. the curtains! My thought process was like this.. In the living room, if the curtains cover half a wall, it is more or less like painting half a wall. Right??  So I did a research on the different possibilities. This took many days and I am sure there are still many things to explore. Here we go with what I found..

1) Material

Some people like the silky flowy look. It can be actual silk but usually its polyester. These curtains come inexpensive to moderately expensive. Another advantage is they are available as light weight to a little heavy ones, based on the mix of material and quality. Good ones can make the room look rich.

Then there is cotton. Its thick and dense. It is heavy. It is not silky but those who like the feel of cotton more than polyester, like me, will love them. They can be comparatively expensive to very expensive.

Polyester curtain set

Cotton curtain set

Third is polycotton. It is a light weight material with cotton feel. They are better with self-design and texture. They come in all price ranges based on the quality.

The last is voile. It is the extremely light ones and comes in very decorative prints. They can be often seen with self-designs too. They also come in all price ranges based on the design of the net.

Polycotton curtain set

Voile curtain set

2) Transparency

• Most transparent would be the voile ones looking like nets which allow 100% light. There are variants with a little more closely woven patterns. 
• Second, would be polycotton. They allow light to enter like 70%.
• Thirdly, cotton blocks light but still the room will not become fully dark. So there will be a glow. 
• Fourthly, polyester has two types,one which allows the glow and one which creates pitch dark.

3) Pattern

The most important decision is the pattern. Will you simply look at the curtain and go,''Yep! I want this??''. That's one way to go. Nothing wrong if you are sure. But I thought a lot. I usually do that a lot..with everything!:D Basically I was thinking if it is something that I will grow to like more everyday or I would ignore after sometime. Hmm.. its like reading the future. That's why I spent a lot of time exploring. From my point of view, the patterns can be vaguely classified as :-

1. No patterns :D  - smooth plain with one color or shading of many colors
2. Textured - if you touch the material you can feel the cloth is not smooth, you may see also
3. Self-designed - on close watch you can see designs of the same color but slightly lighter or darker
4. Geometrical - you can figure our some shapes like circles, squares, hexagons
5. Floral - could be flowers, leaves or both
6. Random - cannot figure out what the design means, it has many things going on

Plain

      Self-designed

           

Floral

Geometric pattern

Random pattern

How did I choose my curtains?

Step 1. Material 

Given a choice in any object, I like matt finish over smooth. So I wanted cotton or polycotton. Nothing wrong with polyester. It is your choice.

Step 2. Pattern

Initially I was open to experimenting. After much review and scrutiny, I decided the pattern will be floral - either flowers or leaves or both, nothing bizarre. I was okay with big or small designs if it looked neat. I also decided the base must be a light color because our rooms are already dark.

Step 3. Online or Offline

I went to the market once to check the options. I was seeing polyester everywhere. So I decided to buy online. One thing is I get to read people's reviews. Moreover, I can return if not satisfying.

Step 4. Check options and fix price range

I simultaneously checked in 5 websites - Amazon, Flipkart, Snapdeal, Myntra, Jabong. I narrowed down the search with cotton and polycotton. I was not willing to pay too much but since curtains are an investment and cotton ones are slightly expensive, I thought I would keep a max limit of 1500Rs for a set of 2 door length curtains. So window curtains must cost me less than that.

Step 5. Shortlist the likeable ones

I created wishlists in every website with the ones I like. It took some time but it was worth it. I did it in a span of a week. I spent my leisure time looking through the websites and cutting down or adding to my wishlists.

Step 6. Matching with the existing  👫

This the core part. The curtains must be chosen such that:-

1. it is not clashing with the wall, sofa, furniture etc - if they are dark, curtains can be lighter
2. it is not too much of a complex pattern to look at - curtains cover a lot of space so beware
3. it has a theme if possible - I chose nature so went with floral
4. it lets in light or cuts off light as you require within the room - if you want the room brighter go for lighter and slightly transparent

Side note : In my case, as I already decided to go for patterned curtains, there were a few more things to take care of. Since the full-length windows covered half the wall, I didn't want same pattern to be on the other window in the living room. Think about it!! Won't it be too much of pattern on the walls?? So I decided to go simpler with the smaller window of that room; plain curtains but with texture or self-designs.

Ultimately, I must say, there are no fixed rules. You don't need to sit down and think hard. It should not be a nerve-wracking process, not even a process for that matter. It must be you having fun decorating your home.

So, have fun with curtains!! :D